Rules of Engagement Tip from Pat Ferdinandi of SBDi Consulting

Ever try to convince someone to do something or buy something or take an approach and hit a brick wall? Ever have someone try to convince you to do, buy or change directions and you put up a brick wall? Every one has been on at least one side of that equation … if not both. There is a simple solution but it takes work to overcome. It's not compromising or negotiating...its understanding the emotional-based objection. Let me explain by providing a personal tale.

For four years, I avoided going for a colonscopy like the plague. The experience leading up to the event gave me two lessons that have helped me build better relationships with everyone! Business and personal.

Five people (three of which were doctors) were involved in attempting to persuade me. Their attempts failed. Yet they kept on trying every time I spoke with them. It became like the kids in the back seat of a car continually saying, "Are we there yet?"

One person stressed how more people die from colon cancer than from breast cancer. (Since no one in my family died of either, this didn't do much to convince me).

One person kept telling me how it wasn't a big deal. That what he felt was my reason had to be the same as his. The day before is a pain-in-the-butt (pun intended). (To me, it was a day to look forward to the scale being a little closer to my goal weight.)

One person's approach was through intimidation. "I'm going to continue to demand that you do this because it is the right thing for you to do." (How do you respond to a "demand?")

Another person stressed how he would feel if the worst happen and that he didn't push hard enough. (This didn't work since I didn't even know of anyone that had colon cancer.)

Another doctor provided a work around mentioning they would see the cancer in blood work. (For four years, this became my excuse.)

Each one of these individuals had my best interest at heart. Then why did they fail to convince me? Because they never uncovered MY objection. Instead they tried to convince me with logic that convinced THEM. The tactics they used were reasons why THEY would have the test. They stressed how THEY would feel better if I had the procedure. None of them ever asked me WHY I did not want to go for the test.

What made me go? A sixth person didn't ask WHY but came close. She knew she was not an expert but suggested, "Just go talk to the doctor. No pressure, just talk to the expert." She told me this after she let me know that she delayed one of her visits longer than the doctor suggested. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. She is the first in her family to ever have colon cancer. She knew she wasn't the expert but knew an expert would convince me. She did the best thing…I don't know what your fear is, but a doctor would be able to address it better than I.

I made the appointment. I met with the doctor: a young, quiet doctor. In less than 5 minutes he questioned why I didn't want to have this done. He answered my one fear. He never discussed the other options or reasons stressed by the other six individuals. He only addressed my one fear…my objection. I scheduled the test (which came out fine).

In this personal tale, everyone except the last doctor:

Assumed their reasons for apprehension were mine.

Talked in terms of them. Why they wanted me to go was based upon their opinions and experience and how they felt about it.

Continually told me I have to do it in terms of their reasons.

They never changed their approach. Each time I heard the same song, my heels dug deeper into the earth.

Did not try to uncover my objection.

Did not try to explain things in terms I cared about (sure statistics were provided but not the statistics I cared about).

What did the new doctor do?

He asked "WHY." First!
He didn't discuss things in terms of his reasons.

He didn't tell me I have to do it.

He uncovered my objection.

He acknowledged my fear.

He diminished my fear with a statistic that related exactly to my fear.

He stated his logic once. He didn't harp on why continually through his discussion.

He didn't extend the conversation to dispel what I didn't fear.

He only addressed my objection with logic. He explained things in a logical matter that a logical-thinking person (me) would follow.

I have to take ownership of this tale as well:

I never offered my objections. That would have stopped the continued persistence in a non-effective manner.

I didn't stop to think why everyone was pushing me to do something. They all really did have my best interests at heart.

I allowed my frustration to explode. Frustration and anger never helps the situation. In fact, it stops you from thinking logically.

I accepted a workaround because it didn't challenge my fear. I allowed my fear to limit my fact-finding.

What does this personal tale have to do with you? It illustrates two very important points when interacting with anyone:

Number 1. When you want a business person to do something that is in his or her best interest, uncover their (not yours) objection first. Then answer the objection in terms of addressing their emotional reason with logic that they understand before you throw in any statistics.

Number 2. If a business person is pushing you to do something that you think is wrong, think about your objection and explain your objection in a calm manner. They may not be able to answer it but will think of someone that can. At least the communication is open because you explained "why" and explained "how" you come to a decision. This avoids frustration and anger and keeps your mind working.

Objections are based upon a person's knowledge-base and emotional-base. (Emotional-base being the more important of the two.) To negotiate or persuade anyone (even if you have their best interest in your heart), you must first understand their objection and how they make decisions. That can only occur by asking questions and listening. You must learn to express your reasons to go a certain way or buy a specific product in terms of how they make decisions. You must only address their objections. If you can't, find a means to introduce the person to someone that can.

Again, you will only be able to do that if you take the time to listen to the person. You will have more time to listen and learn if you build a relationship first. Think in terms of them: their reasons (valid or not) and how they learn. Over time, a pattern will emerge about how the person hears and processes information.

Relationships are a two- way street. Relationships are stronger if you express how you make decisions. This provides the other person with the knowledge as to how to explain things to you when they hear an objection that really isn't in your best interest. People are basically good. If they like you they will have your interests at heart. Trust them by explaining your thought process and reasons (knowledge-base and emotional-base) instead of allowing the frustration to make you explode. That doesn't help anyone, especially yourself and your relationships.

Objections...find them by asking why and express yours calmly to build a better relationship.

SBDi speaks both Business and IT languages. Bring SBDi in to help communication between both organizations. Let us help you find the right flexible solution that will help business increase revenue.

Pat Ferdinandi, Chief Thought Translator